We shouldn't feed the poor, because that makes them fat. Take that money you were going to give to charity and spend it on OxyContin and Dominican sex tourism.

I actually envy his powers of rationalization. The only thing that stops me from being a complete prick is that fucking conscience of mine. If I could rationalize my selfish and petty desires like that, I'd probably be hooked on hillbilly heroin and smuggling viagra up my ass. What a glorious life that would be.