so my new trick is to record targeted outgoing messages on my machine when i'm expecting people to call but i'm going out. i am so crafty.
posted at 3:14 PM

gabe and his friend jason are here, staying in the city for barely 36 hours. seems kind of silly to me, but i'm just the local housing authority. we're watching the boogie. the boogie is good.

"god only knows what i'd be without you."
posted at 1:00 AM

it's raining interviews! it's raining jobs!
posted at 9:56 AM

oh, fucking hell. interview timing sucks.
posted at 4:26 PM

teneza and i met at the chanel counter inside macy's saturday night. she is currently sporting what she terms "oprah hair" for her round of interviews today. i was much amused. we headed down to (where else?) new green bo for dinner. the place was packed and we had to wait for a while, which gave us time to pick up a bottle of wine. that proved to be an excellent idea, plus she gave me her corkscrew as a gift so now i'm completely set here at home for all manner of alcoholic binging. on the menu: shanghai kau fu, crab and pork soup dumplings, and tai chin chicken, which was a little like general tso's but better. now i have to wait til wednesday night at the earliest to go again with jeremie and sheri, but i think i can make it - especially since dave is taking me to chinese banquet at lion's pavilion in queens tonight with the chowhound gang. teneza and i spent a good two hours at dinner, almost made it to see snatch but failed, went and got cheesecake instead. we parted around midnight. teneza rules!

sunday i was all set to go see a brian de palma double feature at the BAM! (sisters, phantom of the paradise), about two minutes from walking out the door, when matt called and forced me to change plans. well, not force, but i felt obligated, because how often do i get to see matt? he is in town for the week for spring break, rooming at aaron's. the three of us went to o brother, where art thou?, which was quite mediocre even though there are few things funnier than john turturro's little dance at the end of the movie. uptown afterward to tom's for crummy diner food, then we walked across town to my place where they boggled at the pigsty otherwise known as my living room, and we watched chuck and buck. i am now beating myself up even more that i missed it, but less so because i know i at least made an effort, and that buying the dvd sight unseen was a wise decision. outstanding. spent the rest of the night indoctrinating them into the joy that is tivo, moral court, iron chef, and super mario world. it's good hanging with them after all this time, but strange doing it in nyc.

i made banana bread!

[jameswatch2k]: god, i don't even want to talk about it. 745a it starts, i go downstairs and ring the doorbell, he doesn't even bother answering, instead choosing to swear at me through the door about how it isn't really loud. turns it town for about 45 seconds, enough time for me to get back upstairs, and then blasts it louder than before for the rest of the morning. arg.
posted at 3:40 PM

so much going on, so little energy to blog. i'll deal with discussion of weekend tomorrow. suffice it to say, having people in from out of town rocks, and the best part is it's all uphill from here.

this, i must say, is a very foreign feeling.
posted at 11:26 PM

teneza rules!
posted at 12:02 AM

back from ct. ben called just before 7p as i was in the middle of macncheese to invite me to go bowling. i hit the 807p train to stamford with minimal baggage and trouble, arrived 851p, hopped in his fine, fine automobile (i really miss driving, like, a lot; what i wouldn't give to be in my car right now, sealed away from civilization, belting out nsync) and headed out into the stamford dark.

we stopped and got pizza at a greek pizza place. our waitress looked and acted uncannily like mrs lefferts from la confidential. i was suitably creeped out. then we went to the bowling alley for glow bowl, which was crawling with drunken 16-year-olds. this one girl kept throwing her ball down the lane. i mean, down, like spiking a football, only bowling balls don't really bounce back in a non-damaging manner. i was tempted to spike her head. bowling was outstandingly fun, as ever. i broke 100 on one of the games, and we had amstel light, which is gross. i didn't drink much, anyway. or would that be didn't drink enough?

afterwards we all went back to ben and chet's place and watched chet and moody play simpsons chess for two hours. then we passed out. i was trying to fall asleep - failing, of course, but at least trying - shortly before 4a when my cell phone started bleating. i jumped up and ran to search blindly for it in the blurry dark without my glasses. didn't catch it in time, but brought it back to the couch i was sleeping on just in case it rang again. it did, a few seconds later. joshva was on the other end, worried because he'd call my apt just before and i hadn't answered and had given no intimation that i was going out tonight. he's just about the sweetest best friend you could ask for. i need to go back to detroit asap. talked for a while, then went to sleep.

having dinner with teneza tonight. don't know where yet. she also wants to see a movie but everything that's out (that i haven't seen, anyway) sucks the big one. either way, though, the evening should rule, because teneza rules. that should be abundantly clear by now, though.

i need to shower.
posted at 4:27 PM

apparently i 0wned that shit, because they called three hours later to offer me the job. poverty pay, though (god bless journalism); i asked for more money, and they called back just now to agree. i'll accept monday, i think, unless something else comes up. now to figure out how to get them to let me go back to a2 for the staging. hopefully i can squeeze a week out.
posted at 5:53 PM

okay, this time the apocalypse really has arrived.

typical day, fucked around (and got a triple double), went to see the first half of traffik at the museum of television and radio with dave, then we went to new green bo for dinner. shanghai kau fu is fabulous. then home, fucking around all night trying to get sleepy. i think i finally am. interview at 1p. gonna go in there, gonna 0wn that shit. yes. i feel surprisingly good.

we'll see how long it lasts.
posted at 3:30 AM

finally home after what seems a long-ass day. it started at 820a, when the recruiter - whose name is mamary, sounds like mammary - called. that, my friends, is assfucking early. i did not answer the phone. i dreamt of a secret door in an office depot store that contained secret keys. i think my brain was telling me i haven't been playing enough smw lately.

finally roused myself at 1130a, fucked around for a few hours, and then headed down to ew to revise the best actor site story. pretty easy, although i was sorry to lose tom hanks' exploding head. it was deemed too sophomoric. well, duh. i got out of there and went to new green bo for lunch (finally), scallion pancakes - good, but needed to be shared - and crab and pork soup dumplings. they were highly good. i want to get back asap and try something else. ran back uptown to the review 2 screening room, where peter was waiting for me to see memento.

memento is, in a word, amazing. i was hoping, praying it would be, and i was not disappointed in the least. it's challenging to put together, and i don't know if seeing it again would even help, but it was worth every moment of confusion and suspense and wonder. structurally, incredible. if i could structure a screenplay like that, play with time like that, play with thought like that, string along but not feel like stringing, or straining, just stunning, it would be heavenly. the possibilities of what happens in the film are endless.

it's all true.

how can this movie be sold? it's tough. it's a very word-of-mouth movie, but i think it could do extremely well if the right angle is found. but it's tough, tough, tough.

then i accompanied peter to a deli so he could grab dinner (i wasn't hungry) and i nailed a red bull. then we went downtown, he went back home and i met ethan at the waverly to see hannibal. pretty much a piece of unpleasant, hackish trash. would it have been better with foster? slightly. but not much. mmm. sweetbreads.

took me nearly an hour to get home. bah, subways, sometimes. message from teneza on my machine, which rules. teneza rules. she's coming to town this weekend, and by hook or by crook we will hang out like the homies we are.

meanwhile, i have a canker or something on the side of my tongue, or maybe i just bit it, but it hurts if i move even the littlest bit because it rubs against my teeth. my tongue feels too big for mouth, and it's make me speak mildly funny. i feel like i'm from west virginia. hopefully it will be better tomorrow.
posted at 1:23 AM

on my way to the subway yesterday to meet morrow at the grand central fridays i was semi-accosted by a guy on the street. we were passing each other on the sidewalk and i shot him one of those hi-you-exist-but-not-really half-smiles that all good new yorkers perfect within two weeks of moving to gotham city and he stopped in his tracks and turned around as i was continuing down the street and said "how come people don't talk to each other?" and i foolishly paused and got into this long conversation about race relations in different parts of the country and why he hates new york and how three days ago a cab ran over his foot and didn't even stop and now he's trying to sue because he got the license number and he wants desperately to move to the south but his family is all here and doesn't want to go and he spent a few weeks in california not long ago and hung out with celebs like denzel washington and bill cosby but he liked san diego better than la and wouldn't i be scared if my half-black, half-white friend told jokey tales of the kkk being down south.

and that's when i noticed his pants were undone.

i mumbled something about having to meet my friend downtown, which was true, and beat it to the subway station.

the fridays endeavor was mildly successful. we hit three different establishments before finally getting job applications; hopefully we'll hear something on interviews soon. should be very entertaining. afterwards we spent the rest of the day hitting various bars, eating gray's papaya dogs, and stretching the limits of our stomachs at yama. mmm. i was supposed to go see session 9 at a test screening with peter, but i bailed due to the afternoon's activities.

job interview friday with bedford communications. w00t. tonight: memento with peter, then hannibal with ethan. maybe this day won't be half bad.
posted at 12:31 PM

there is nothing sweeter than coming home and finding seven, count em, seven messages on your answering machine when the most you've ever gotten ever ever ever is two. and one of them is from a cover letter/res you sent out, even though it won't pan out, just because it makes you feel good. and you open your mailbox and find you have a rebate, and you think it's your tivo rebate, only it's your linksys rebate for the router you bought and then returned for a full refund, so you have free $10. and you ate/drank too much because you've been at it since 3p with morrow, and you have tiny dancer in your head (ha-a-and).
posted at 9:09 PM

phone rang a bunch of times this morning but the machine never got it. it kept stopping with a short ring on the third ring. i finally got up to deal with it and it turns out my nt box was acting as a fax machine. oops.

as usual, something i didn't write that i wish i had.

today is fridays day with morrow. should be interesting, if nothing else.

[jameswatch2k]: see yesterday. rinse. repeat.

"memory will rust and erode into lists
of all that you gave me
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest
the best parts of lonely
duct tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires
and every birthday card i threw away"
posted at 11:14 AM

no new green bo. by the time i got out of there i was a whiff of food away from puking all over my shoes. it turned out to be a recruiter who reps a lot of law firms. they had a helpdesk opening at a big firm. they made me take proficiency tests for word, excel and wordperfect. i did fine on all three. they asked if i had a business suit. they told me to smile more. they suggested i put an objective on my resume. i thought i was going to be sick right there. i could make (relatively, certainly compared to now) a lot of money if i went and did this.. but i'd be selling out. i don't think i can do it. if nothing else, i need a more laid-back environment with less stringent expectations.

afterwards i went to ew to see annabel, who was finally back after a month family emergency leave. i don't know how she does it, but she is possibly the sweetest person on the planet. she gave me some people to call, bucked me up a little, and i felt a little better. then peter and i went to see pollock again and failed again, seeing in the mood for love instead. i liked it. gorgeous dresses.

the umbrella is still out there. i suppose i'm going to have to go remove it if i want it gone. bah.
posted at 11:28 PM

an open umbrella just blew up on the fire escape outside my window and scared the living crap out of me. i think had about fourteen heart attacks. job interview in a couple hours for this little gem:

Cmptr-HELP DESK/TECH SUPPORT
$55K+OT+BONUS+TUIT REIMB
Exceptional growth opportunity. 6mos
software/hardware support exp re-
quired. Coll grads welcome.

afterwards i shall reward myself with new green bo.
posted at 2:01 PM

[jameswatch2k]: 830a very faint, but somehow it wakes me up. minutes later, begins growing progressively louder until it crescendos around 930a and stays at that volume for the next two hours. then, nothingness. too bad i'm awake. too bad i didn't fall asleep til 430a.
posted at 11:45 AM

wasted another night. smw castle before bowser is giving me fits. dropped first three pages of.. something. i don't know what it is yet. maybe i'll know more in the morning. or when i wake up. actually, that'll probably be afternoon, since it's almost 4a. tomorrow i will write three more. unless i decide the whole thing is just stupid and cliche, which it is. but i will write three more anyway.

and vacuum.

really.
posted at 3:44 AM

it's just been one activity-related disaster after another the past 24 hours. first andrew and i tried going to the arepa lady last night, which is a 30-minute train ride or so each way, and when we finally got out to queens she wasn't there. we got extremely subpar arepas from some guy a block or two away from her territory - i only did it because i wanted andrew to see what they were like, even though they were so far below the arepa lady's standards. then peter and i were supposed to see pollock tonight, but it was sold out at not one, but two theatres. arg.

couldn't convince anybody to go to new green bo with me tonight, so i ended up at tom's. while any movie would look like a cheesy 60s relic on the tv they have there, ever after looked especially aged.
posted at 9:16 PM

andrew is gone, i am surprisingly well-rested, i just ate a lenders, and the newest beta version of 2.0 is installed on my tivo. menus and screens seem to come up a little slower, but i'm not sure if that's normal and i'm just sensitive because it's a new version. i also got a bonus hour plus in space. rad.

so, new green bo. how do i love thee, let me count the ways. andrew and i had the crispy eel, which tasted like sweet bacon and gave our jaws a workout. then came the soup dumplings, then then rice cakes with spinach and pork. it was delicious and very, very cheap. i think i'll go there for lunch tomorrow.

yesterday we went to the tamale lady, who wasn't at her best but still good. then andrew went to conduct his interview and i went to the post office. he didn't think it would take longer than two or three hours, but he didn't make it back to my place until 5p. we sat around for a little while and then went over to le monde, a french bistro on broadway near columbia. i'd never been before but had a craving for moules frites. le monde did a good job with them, particularly in the sand grit department. namely, there was none. waitress was a little pushy, though, and i wanted to tell her to go do her soc 204 homework that was due monday.

i am going to vacuum today.
posted at 2:52 PM

bill clinton is so excellent.
posted at 1:38 AM

andrew and i are watching softpr0n. god bless it. we just spent two hours with aaron sorkin and tommy schlamme (two eps of sports night, one ep of west wing). it was a good two hours, and now we are watching softpr0n. but you already knew that. joy.

(i completely lied about not wanting andrew here. and it wasn't him specifically, it was anyone. we get along so well, and talk about things, and have fun, and it is all good.)

new green bo is supreme. will detail tomorrow.
posted at 1:01 AM

having a portishead morning, although stuck with mp3s because i can't find my cds. i should do a thorough search one day soon, reorg my cd collection. it's all over the place. i unearthed a few more sites for tommy boy, but i think i'm going with one of the shitty ones i found yesterday if only because it features.. tom fan fiction! some people have too much time on their hands. hey, stop looking at me like that. (sadly, try as he might, tommy salami is no russell crowe - which, again sadly, is not as juicy as this).

i just found out that the killer bright eyes song is called "the big picture" and now i'm obsessed all over again, especially since this kid claims to have it on mp3. do i email him begging? hmm. protocol.
posted at 12:32 PM

pull your shit together. go read. go to sleep. go somewhere. do something.

"'cause you're ticking me off
tick-tick-ticking me off
i can tell you're lying
'cause when you're replying
you stutter stutter, stutter stutter"
posted at 3:20 AM

just called dad to tell him about the festival of new works thing. he was utterly unsupportive and petulant about it because i still haven't let him read it. which is really fucking childish, especially since i just found out from my grandmother that a while ago he saw one page of the script, and it made him look like a wimp, which is the whole reason i won't let him read it in the first place because i know he will not be able to process the concept of HISTORICAL FICTION, unable to parse the idea that the dad isn't really him beyond circumstance and bare facts, that i think he's an amazing father who did an amazing job with what he had to work with (other than the whole maxine fiasco, but that wasn't really his fault, per se), that i don't feel like he failed me or my brother, that what happens on the page is on the fucking page and not in reality. so that's just wonderful. i'm so glad i have fans in the family. maybe i've made it a self-fulfilling prophecy by not showing it to him but at this point i don't really care. what's done is done. whatever happens, happens.

meanwhile, ironminds reading was another bomb. i am incapable of small talk with strangers, and it's so glaringly obvious to me when i'm there in the situation that i just want to run away and throw up. morrow wanted me to go out drinking afterward but i said i had to go home and finish a story i was working on that's due tomorrow (which is completely true). so i stopped and got a slice of pizza (bad idea) and now i'm home feeling really small. andrew is coming tomorrow for the weekend and i feel ill just thinking about it. i do not want to deal with people. ever. for at least a week, anyway. and this is why i'm not going to hack it. it's fine to be able to write, but the social engineering component of it is going to force failure. i can't just decide to make it go away, to change things, to learn to converse. i'm just.. cornered.

if i could just go one day without a debilitating existential crisis, maybe i could make something of myself. but all i do is question and think about how the grass is always greener. i can feel it destroying me but i'm powerless to stop it.

this story is turning into total ass. i can understand the lack of web support for javier bardem, but how come there are no tom hanks fansites? bueller?
posted at 10:19 PM

after viewing my last electric bill, clarence stucki is for sure my new hero. $4 chinatown buffet was good today, although i think morrow's dining choices were better than mine. afterwards we went in search of dumplings but failed. i got an ice cream soda instead. i love black and whites.
posted at 6:05 PM

spring break is going to be insane. jeremie, sheri, matt, cousino, kula, christian, and evan. that's a lot of peeps. you'd think i have friends or something. heaven forbid. christian's advent is especially interesting. i think in some ways we're similar people, on similar paths, except that he likes phish and has a much better name than i do. how strange that i've known him (as much, i think, as anyone can know him, king of elusive antisocial oddness) for what is actually.. kind of a long time. since we started college. circumstance is such a curious mistress.

i've now been sitting on the couch for 15 hours. i think i should go try to lie down and sleep, which could be challenging since my back is now singing beethoven's fifth. the ibuprofin should kick in soon, though. this is why i don't take drugs, other than ibuprofin, which i eat like pez - i love that moment when the narcotics take over too much, that wash of manufactured peace. it's dangerous, that need for seeping antipain, and i know it. i know what i am capable of if i give just an inch, how precariously i perch on the balance between right and wrong, good and bad. how sometimes i want so badly to say fuck it and jump into nothingness and let somebody else pull me out and save me, instead of me doing all the work, all the time. and how i know i'll never actually do it, because deep down i'm a compassionate coward and don't want anybody to worry. bah, self-awareness.

<oppsie> joey is such a cunt
<oppsie> she lied to dawson about having sex with pacey
<jdb> that bitch.
<oppsie> if i had sex with pacey i'd make sure it was on 1a of the nytimes

posted at 12:01 AM

marylou finally called. so the deal is, i get a hundred bucks and free airfare home. sunday drive gets produced as part of the festival of new works, performed onstage with actors and stuff. if i'm there during rehearsals, i do rewrites and explain stuff, etc. if i'm there during performances, i do q&a's with the audience. hopefully i'll be able to be there for the whole thing. i am, naturally, really fucking freaked out by having to explain/justify/discuss anything having to do with the screenplay. i feel another ulcer coming on. and just what i need, more distraction from the real world.

(i'm more excited by this than i sound. really. i think it will be very beneficial to the writing and myself. but then there's that hope thing it brings up again - so unhealthy. sigh.)

"telegraph telegram telephone
tellin' you i'll be home soon"
posted at 7:46 PM

blogger has been down all day. it appears to be up again, but i really need to get my ass in gear about finding another method of doing this.

the dangers of sending your cover letter/resume to your friend to fax for you are many.

From: "Peter Young"
To: oppsie@monkey.org
Subject: Re: food and wine

ok, it is done.
the cover letter just didn't stand out, so i added 'poop' between every line before i sent it.

-pete

posted at 2:09 PM

didn't do much with my day. wrote some ew stuff, applied for a job i don't want that won't call me back anyway, ignored a couple of cover letters i have to write (tomorrow, i swear). had some gumbo for lunch that was very eh; i don't think i like gumbo. i must remember that for the future. i bought actual groceries, sort of, for dinner, and now i have real! dead! meat! in the freezer for future use. my steak and onions was pretty good, but my rolling rock was better.

strange things are afoot at umfvpgm. talked to the father of my children, aka gabe burnstein, on the phone tonight and he had interesting news that i shall not report until i speak with marylou. he also invited me to move to la la land with him and dave anderson. who knows if he was serious, but i managed to bite my tongue before i answered "only if we get a king-size bed." (gabe, my darling, if you ever read this, please don't be frightened, okay?) la is still somewhat of a temptation, to chuck the magazine thing and concentrate full-time on screenwriting and hollywood bullshit, but it's just such a longshot that i would ever succeed that it seems foolish to even entertain the thought. and so i try not to.
posted at 12:05 AM

HARVEY WEINSTEIN, I VOMIT ON YOU.
posted at 8:37 AM

[jameswatch2k]: bass since 745a. do not be fooled by me having to be up at 830a. that doesn't make it any prettier.
posted at 8:29 AM

my phone finally stopped ringing, peter left (he came over to watch 13 days), and i have to be up at 838 ET for the oscar nominations. despite getting up early, i'm not really tired. that's problematic in the extreme.

i'm watching a recap of the 1986 finals, celts vs rockets. jim petersen looks suspiciously like jonathan brandis. larry bird's mullet and trash 'stache are truly outstanding. but my god basketball used to be great. now it's just a bunch of fucking assholes. they were probably always assholes - we just didn't know it then. innocence is bliss.
posted at 1:20 AM

cnn finally picked up the anna virus story. took them long enough - perhaps they were affected? i love that they include their own annakournikova.jpg along with the story. meanwhile, i have yet to get hit. yet more proof that i have no friends.

wrong number call of the day: "SONNY?" "uh, no. this is erin." "oh. sorry." *click*
posted at 4:04 PM

it's been a while since we had a good virus going around. thank god for anna kournikova, eh? (i'm sure there's a good tennis/love-love or anna/std joke in there somewhere, but i'll leave that to somebody else.)

i just watched two hours of mtv. the first twenty minutes were all commercials except for a marilyn manson sandwiched in the middle. one measly video. wtf. after that things improved although they played this ridiculous staind/limp bizkit live video from the family values tour which featured the staind singer singing and fred durst sitting next to him tapping his foot and looking pretty for no reason other than to appear in the video. it was completely unnecessary. fucking fred durst, fuck off.

<oppsie> haha anna kournikova
<oppsie> http://www.cnet.com/software/0-3746.html?tag=st.cn.1.tlpg.3746
<jason|> awesome!
<jason|> if it gives u nudies of her!
<jason|> i'll infect myself!

posted at 2:11 PM

i made myself get up at 930a so i can try to go to sleep at a decent hour. last night i attempted this, which resulted in utter disaster. i was bored, and tired, but not sleepy, which is a horrible combination. not harmonious. not harmonious at all. i was in bed before midnight, read my book for a while, tried to sleep, couldn't, got up to check the weather (yeahright) and ended up techjobhunting for a couple of hours. then i did today's nytimes crossword, which was ridiculously easy since it's monday. 49 down's clue was "actor green of buffy the vampire slayer" which obviously is a sign from, well, somebody that means, well, something. swoon.

i think the next two weeks should involve a lot of chinatown research. i'm sort of obsessed with chinatown and good chinese food right now, and last night i dug up info on several affordable possibilities. first on the list, although it's not chinese: pho viet huong, vietnamese, where i will at long last reacquaint myself with shrimp patties and sugar cane.
posted at 10:10 AM

i'm sorry and saddened to admit that the concert was pretty much a disappointment. i liked ben kweller very much (he opened with a tuneful conversion of ice ice baby that was good but gimmicky, but got better from there), but ben lee was.. disappointing. it kills me to say that, but his set was uninspired, shallow, boring, and distracted. very slightly improved by an excellent cover of the rainbow connection to finish things out, giving it a real heartbreaking feel. but it wasn't enough. i don't know what the deal was, if it was the odd hour of a matinee show, or the fact it was his third show in the venue in as many days, or something else, but it sucked. evan dando was decent, although we left before he finished. he didn't play dawn can't decide. that was a bummer. he did, however, play a song that ben had written for him, which was haunting and beautiful - better than anything ben himself did. sigh. (and yes, claire was there; it was highly unsettling to see her in the flesh less than 24 hours after i'd marathoned the latter third of mscl, which may have contributed to my dysphasic feeling.)

"and i'll wear my shirt like i'm not affected
i'll eat my lunch like i still haven't checked yet"
posted at 7:18 PM

ben called at 4a to tell me he was on his way uptown from the jazz club he'd just closed. he arrived a little later and at 5a we found ourselves watching.. the britney dvd. so i've now had stronger in my head for about 48 straight hours. eh. after that we went to sleep, and now my entire apartment reeks of jazz smoke, which i suppose is better than just regular smoke. he's in the shower now. when he gets out, we'll head downtown to the village underground to see ben's 2p show (also playing: ben kweller and evan dando). too many bens! but you can never have too many bens.
posted at 1:05 PM

disaster struck again today. why am i cursed like this? what have i done to deserve this? jill came over to finish up her mscl tutorial. i go to take the tape out of the vcr i had taped friends on earlier in the week only to discover that i had taped over one of my mscl tapes! i had left it in last time jill was here and i thought i had swapped it out but i didn't and now my good copy of pressure is ruined. i am distraught and horrified at how truly stupid i am. why didn't i ever break off the recording tab on the tape? why wasn't i more careful? why? why? WHY? sigh. i've got a shitty copy on another tape, but it's not the same. how i could i be so fucking careless?

day was okay other than that. met feldy and stinky at the tamale lady for brunch. jill was supposed to meet us there, too, but it took her like an hour and a half to get there from brooklyn. it was fine; we waited for her, and had much fun chillin' by the cart. at one point this nice looking guy crossed the street and gave us a really weird penetrating look and then went to the cart and asked for.. meat pies. the tamale lady does not have meat pies. so he turned around and started walking away. i decided it was time to speak up, and shouted, "the tamales are great! get a tamale!" and feldy and stinky took up the cry until the guy finally realized we were talking to him. he said he didn't like tamales, but i told him they were great and he just had to try one. so he bought one and walked away.

ten minutes later he was back for more. a job well done by yours truly. also of note during the wait was an old foreign woman who accosted us. she had stinky and i proofread some typewritten pages she had for grammatical errors. apparently she is being persecuted for her communist beliefs by the clinton administration and was writing to john ashcroft begging for help with her legal defense. the sheets of paper were a mess of taped parts, lines taped over lines; i certainly hope she was planning to xerox it before sending it. i wonder if she just walks the streets of new york looking for kindhearted people like stinky and me to spread the word of her torture at the hands of slick willie.

tamales were much better this week than last, and i had an humita for the first time. humitas are sweet corn tamales without filling (although they have bits of whole corn in the middle). they were a little too sweet for my taste; i prefer the salty sweetness of the chicken tamales. they also had a hint of cloves, which was okay but not great. still.. the lady has a gift. jill finally showed up, i bought a bunch of tamales to take home (two of which i just resteamed - oh my dear lord, they were perfect!), and then we came back here and watched six episodes, finishing out the series. it's always so upsetting when i finally get to in dreams begin responsibilities, not just because it's so achingly beautiful, but because it's so achingly over. then the hatred, the blinding, searing hatred bubbles up inside my chest like nuclear bile, the feeling of pure loathing and sickening unfairness that i reserve for only the most heinous wrongs done me. and the fact that i've come to the end is one of them.

"you could tell me to go to hell. i'd go, if you wanted me to.

and i'd send you a letter from there."
posted at 10:23 PM

went to dinner with morrow tonight. sushi. oh, it was good. i heart sushi. we also drank some very tasty sake, and then went to an irish pub where they had murphy's on tap. bliss. sort of drunk now, but in a good way. hmm. it's early.
posted at 11:54 PM

party was a massive bust. tons of people, no face time, loud music, and.. hula hoopers! two vodka tonics, a couple brief introductions, and we hightailed it out of there in favor of los dos rancheros on 9th avenue. two very tasty tacos, and then stinky showed up. we went to a lame coffee bar called, brilliantly, the coffee pot for dessert. i stared out the window at this guy at a payphone for well nigh on a hour and a half. i'm incredibly curious about what he could possibly have been talking about, and to whom, for so long - on a pay phone, for fuck's sake. that's a long time, unless it was an 800 number. he looked none too happy by the time we finally left, too. but he outlasted us all.

time to watch survivor. i see kimmi's nipples are already in full effect. <mr burns>excellent.</mr burns>
posted at 12:16 AM

just chugged a red bull and it was even better than i remembered. (no vodka, alcoholism watchdogs, so no worries.) i've identified something beyond the pez taste - it also tastes like big league chew. feldy is taking me to the launch party for my generation, the new aarp magazine for younger retired people. someday, i might be one of them, but i have to get a job first. anyway, hopefully networking will take place.

this is the funniest thing i've read all week. i just keep picturing it and cracking up:

Twingo16: there is this girl that went to stanford named hanan, she was in berlin with my roommate katie. she is just ridiculous and everyone knows her, and once, in the berlin computer cluster, someone asked how to spell phenomenon. hanan spins around in her seat, lifts her arms in a "raise the roof" gesture and says "phenom-HANAN!" and then turns back to her typing.

alright, i now look officially fabulous, plus i might have solved my boots problem with a couple of pads. will report later if my feet are in agony or just discomfort.
posted at 5:58 PM

made it to sleep around 2a, slept more than 8 hours, so why do i feel like i've been bodyslammed? this is getting real old, real fast.

conversation overheard yesterday between james and woman who lives across the hall, through my door contained the basic gist that.. his wife left! the lady was screaming at him because he spends all his money on stereo equipment (tell me something i don't know) and clutters up the house with it and they have a baby coming and she is p-i-s-s-e-d. james couldn't comprehend the difference betweeen him buying four amplifiers and her buying four pairs of shoes. meanwhile, after i went down and bitched twice in 10 minutes earlier in the week about the noise level, it's been fairly quiet. knock on keyboard.
posted at 11:18 AM

inside stuff app mailed, w-2s mailed home to dad. i bet i could make good money with this medical study.
posted at 3:08 PM

okay, this staying up until 4a and sleeping until noon thing has got to stop. i resolve that tonight i will not waste hours of my life doing nothing at 130a. i will read my book and then i will go to sleep. really.

auction of the day: daddy longlegs. i can't even begin to describe the amount of will power it's taking for me not to bid.
posted at 11:58 AM

i have a headache that feels like it's in my nose. maybe it's a nasopharyngeal tumor. it's impeding my ability to effectively convey to nba inside stuff why they should hire me to be their wage slave. i'm thinking i should just fly home and pick up some ball cards and then i can just trot out skybox inaugural edition both series one and series two, complete with misprints and errors including the double vernon maxwells. that would be killer, but it also might frighten them. hmm. maybe i can just show them my karl-malone-that-flagrant-fouling-bastard scrapbook. that might work.

is it just me or does bad andy the little monkey - or at least, i think he's a little monkey - in the domino's pizza ad campaign look and act more than a little like mr hankey the christmas poo? some days you just want to go back to avoiding the noid.

the quotation dictionary sheri says, "why do people keep casting ryan phillippe? i've seen kraft singles that can act better"
the eyes wide shut oppsie [to sheri]: have you seen his ass?
the counter of horse cocks oppsie [to sheri]: although if you're asking that question, you obviously haven't.
spinach pie sheri [to oppsie]: one ass cannot sustain a 2 hr movie
the anti-ditching!mulder oppsie [to sheri]: it depends what that ass does.
the new kind of hell finding sheri [to oppsie]: that ass had better be jumping out of airplanes and making balloon animals
jeremie exclaims, "MY ASS CAN DO THAT!"

posted at 12:29 AM

McKENZIE,EDMOND THOMAS "Jack the Bell Boy" of Flushing, age 90, died Monday, February 5, 2001 at McLaren Regional Medical Center. Cremation has taken place. A Memorial Service will be 11 a.m. Saturday, February 10, 2001 at Rossell Funeral Home. If desired, memorial contributions may be made to the Salvation Army. Mr. McKenzie was born in Flusing, MI on January 20, 1911, the son of Thomas and Louise (Yott) McKenzie. He married Carol Snider. Surviving are: wife, Carol McKenzie of Flushing; step-father of Bill and wife, Monica Doroghazi of Livonia, Catherine and husband, Michael Shepherd of Westerville, Ohio and the late Anne Doroghazi; grandchildren, Lauren, Erika, Julia, Paul and Wil. Arrangements entrusted to Rossell Funeral Home, Inc., Flushing, MI.

ed mckenzie died last night. he was sort of a mentor figure to my dad when he was a kid, got him into ham radio and took him under his wing. i think it started because he somehow knew my grandfather, but i'm not sure. he had a radio show in which he was jack the bellboy in the 40s and 50s, major jazz aficionado. later he worked on documentaries about detroit jazz and such for pbs (i think, could be wrong). i met him a few times after asking my dad to take me with him to visit ed up in flushing, mi, where he lived with his companion carol. ed's house was filled with pictures of him and jazz greats like ella and duke, full of a/v equipment, ham equipment, everything equipment. and he struck up a friendship late in life, penpal-style, with artist andrew wyeth, which i always thought was so cool. i exchanged a few letters with ed myself, kept him posted on what i was up to. not as often as i should have. i though about him every few weeks, "oh, i should write ed, i should send him a copy of the magazine, i should, i should, i should," but i never did. it's funny, i hardly knew him, we hardly ever saw each other, but.. sigh. godspeed, ed. 90 years is a good long time, and you were in it right to the end.
posted at 4:37 PM

only a few inches of accumulation. lame lame lame.

i need to get my shit together, hardcore, but it's so difficult. i know i'm good enough and smart enough and doggone it a few people like me, but they're not the people that control my professional destiny, unfortunately. and i'm not functionally outgoing in a professional setting, enough to go get that job. or whatever. like, i know what i have to do, sort of - i just don't know how to do it. i have to figure out how to make an effort, and make that effort successful. instead i sit here and sabotage myself. another day wasted.

today's procrastination technique: reading obituaries.
posted at 11:09 PM

it's snowing! big, fat, beautiful snow. snow that looks like somebody tore up a sheet of paper towel into large chunks and then let it float down all over the city. wunderground is predicting like six inches, and while i have my doubts, i hope they're right.

slept late (made myself get up; i'd like not to have another 430a night, and the key to that is strategic sleep deprivation), although got up earlier to get my printer cable from the ups man. i love it when delivery guys come straight to my door and i don't have to leave the apartment. especially when i'm half asleep.
posted at 12:14 PM

making progress on super mario, but actual life is deteriorating again.

np in my head: olp/4 a.m.
posted at 2:54 AM

a day of ups and downs, as usual. jill and i went to meet at the tamale lady's cart, but she was nowhere to be found. next saturday i'm going to ask what the deal is with them not showing up on sundays anymore. there must be an answer, and i must have it. we got some decent empanadas from the mysterious guy with the shopping cart, then some sweet potato pie at spoonbread too. damn good pie, i must say. then we came back here and watched another five episodes of mscl. by the fourth, self-esteem, i was in full form, consumed by the unfairness of it all. as always, watching the show has the effect i imagine heroin has on junkies: constantly in search of that final hit, always devastated when it's not forthcoming, but still able to enjoy the blissful wash-over warmth of the experience. given the choice, i'd still go back in time and kill ted harbert instead of hitler. i was always selfish. i guess i always will be.

jill left, i killed off the chinese food from the other day and went out to the store to purchase hansen's energy drink, which shares a lot of ingredients with red bull but not all. it's mountain dew-colored, while red bull is more apple juice-looking. they taste pretty much the same, though. yum.

more super mario world, or work on writing. what a choice. i think utter misery is about to set in.

"why are you like this?"
"like what?"
"like.. how you are."
posted at 9:14 PM

didn't go to bed (duh). now i have a nintendo blister on my finger. no rest for the wicked.
posted at 1:15 AM

steve dragged me out again tonight, this time to la mela, a family-style restaurant in little italy. food was good and endlessly supplied. i think my stomach is going to burst. god bless them for feeding me both veal and tiramisu. afterward went to a dumpy bar across the street but i drank nothing; then walked further into chinatown and had bubble tea. yum, bubble tea.

i watched last night's episode of popstars, and i have to say that the theme music for the show is so fucking catchy. i can't get it out of my head and it annoys me that there isn't more of it. it's the cocktease of theme music. the show, meanwhile, continues to be dumb. all these stupid bitches crying and being all emotional, it makes me want to tear my hair out. i hope it gets better.

i have moved right along into xfl programming. i'm watching the preshow now and they spent ten minutes using nbc tv show stars to shill for the league. ooh, and now all the surgically-enhanced cheerleaders are entering the show studio. how sweet. i think i'll just go to bed.
posted at 11:57 PM

success in today's infomercial surfing: george foreman grill in the house, y'all. last night was good. steve took scott and i to red rock west. he goes there all the time, usually several times a week, so he knows all the bartenders and gets mondo drinks. it was fun. there was a really old gross unix geek wannabe there though who converted his "un*x is sexy" tshirt into a muscle shirt. it was vile, but at least he didn't have a mullet. however, i found my vodka tonic more interesting and so managed to ignore his ickiness. next time, though, i will probably dress differently. it's such a constant struggle between how i just want to be comfortable and not give a shit, but then feeling inappropriately attired when i have to go.. out. i hate that this stuff matters. reason number 15 why i need to become independently wealthy.

and reason number 57 why i am so in love with gabe burnstein - he signs emails like this:

best,

william bedford
(so much potential... but also so much crack)

swoon. when will he figure out that we were meant to be together?
posted at 1:24 PM

drunk! time to go to bed. we went to coyote ugly bar tonight. the girls got really wet. no, really. wet. i will discuss in more detail tomorrow. ho ho ho.
posted at 2:41 AM

i really hate it when things like this happen, or when people steal my story ideas.

semi-productive day: was able to sleep because of blissful quiet, and so snoozed for ten very necessary hours. working on some box business for cable, had breakfast at tom's, deposited paycheck, bought a dry-erase board and markers so that i can give myself more visual motivation to get shit done, bought more water. then i came home to find the holy grail had arrived via messenger. sweeeeeeet.
posted at 4:18 PM

finished the story around noon. it is severely unfunny, which is a shame, but i'm uninspired and downtrodden. got called earlier by martha beef stew editor with a rejection, albeit the nicest rejection i've ever gotten. she's sending my resume to the main martha washington goulash research editor, so we'll see if anything comes of that. in the meantime, the word to remember is: procrastination! had lunch at grand sichuan, delicious szechuan pork in garlic sauce. most i've eaten in days, i think. i might even have a little more. then it's on to yama for dinner, where hopefully scotty dearest will pick up the tab or i will be very poor and sad.

word to the wise: two cans of red bull late in the evening is a VERY BAD IDEA. VERY BAD. i mean VERY BAD. yeah, so i'm still awake. i was going to sleep but there were james issues i'd rather not rehash because it's getting so very boring. however, when i went down to complain, i ran into my fourth floor neighbor, who commiserated. apparently you can hear it all the way up there. maybe i should get together a petition. in my taurine-induced psychosis last night i left a long voxmail message for terry that was rambling and incoherent, so much so that i kept pointing it out over and over again. as in, "i'm really insane right now, i know this is really incoherent, but don't worry."

he hasn't called me back.
posted at 4:49 PM

woke up completely nervous about everything i have to do. can't fall back asleep, so might as well get some work done. my lone cogent observation is that the temptation island site really, really sucks.
posted at 6:17 AM